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Finally a Barbie I can relate to.At long last, here are some NEW Barbie dolls to coincide with her and OUR aging gracefully. These are a bit more realistic...
1. Bifocals Barbie. Comes with her own set of blended-lens fashion frames in six wild colors (half-frames too!), neck chain, and large-print editions of Vogue and Martha Stewart Living.
2. Hot Flash Barbie. Press Barbie's bellybutton and watch her face turn
beet red while tiny drops of perspiration appear on her forehead. Comes with handheld fan and tiny tissues.
3. Facial Hair Barbie. As Barbie's hormone levels shift, see her whiskers grow. Available with teensy tweezers and magnifying mirror.
4. Flabby Arms Barbie. Hide Barbie's droopy triceps with these new, roomier-sleeved gowns. Good news on the tummy front, two MuMus with tummy-support panels are included.
5. Bunion Barbie.Years of disco dancing in stiletto heels have definitely taken their toll on Barbie's dainty arched feet. Soothe her sores with the pumice stone and plasters, then slip on soft terry mules.
6. No-More-Wrinkles Barbie. Erase those pesky crow's-feet and lip lines
with a tube of Skin Sparkle-Spackle, from Barbie's own line of exclusive
age-blasting cosmetics.
7. Soccer Mom Barbie. All that experience as a cheerleader is really paying off as Barbie dusts off her old high school megaphone to root for Babs and Ken, Jr. Comes with minivan in robin-egg blue or white and cooler filled with doughnut holes and fruit punch.
8. Mid-life Crisis Barbie. It's time to ditch Ken. Barbie needs a change,
and Alonzo (her personal trainer) is just what the doctor ordered, along with Prozac. They're hopping in her new red Miata and heading for the Napa Valley to open a B&B. Includes a real tape of "Breaking Up Is Hard to Do."
9. Divorced Barbie. Sells for$ 199.99. Comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, and Ken's boat.
10. Recovery Barbie. Too many parties have finally caught up with the ultimate party girl. Now she does Twelve Steps instead of dance steps.Clean and sober, she's going to meetings religiously. Comes with a little copy of The Big Book and a six-pack of Diet Coke.
11. Post-Menopausal Barbie.This Barbie wets her pants when she sneezes, forgets where she puts things, and cries a lot. She is sick and tired of Ken sitting on the couch watching the tube, clicking through the channels. Comes with Depends and Kleenex. As a bonus this year, the book Getting In Touch with Your Inner Self is included.
HOW TO TURN MEN DOWN
HE: Can I buy you a drink?
SHE: Actually I'd rather have the money.
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HE: I'm a photographer. I've been looking for a face like yours.
SHE: I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like yours.
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HE: Hi. Didn't we go on a date once? Or was it twice?
SHE: Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice.
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HE: How did you get to be so beautiful?
SHE: I must've been given your share.
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HE: Will you go out with me this Saturday?
SHE: Sorry. I'm having a headache this weekend.
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HE: Your face must turn a few heads
SHE: And your face must turn a few stomachs.
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HE: Go on ,don't be shy. Ask me out.
SHE: Okay, get out.
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HE: I think I could make you very happy
SHE: Why? Are you leaving?
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HE: What would you say if I asked you to marry me?
SHE: Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time.
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HE: Can I have your name?
SHE: Why? Don't you already have one?
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HE: Shall we go see a movie?
SHE: I've already seen it
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HE: Where have you been all my life?
SHE: Hiding from you.
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HE: Haven't I seen you some place before?
SHE: Yes. That's why I don't go there anymore.
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HE: Is this seat empty?
SHE: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
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HE: So, what do you do for a living?
SHE: I'm a female impersonator.
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HE: Hey baby, what's your sign?
SHE: Do not enter.
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HE: Your body is like a temple.
SHE: Sorry, there are no services today.
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HE: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
SHE: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.
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HE: Where have you been all my life?
SHE: Where I'll be the rest of your life - in your wildest dreams.
Jack Handey Quotes (SNL)
"A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you call up the guy and hold the burning fuse to the phone. 'Hear that?' you say. 'That's dynamite, baby.'" - Jack Handey
"Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he has a beautiful rose in his beak. And also he is carrying a very beautiful painting in his feet. And also, you're drunk." - Jack Handey
"If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mister Brave Man, I guess I am a coward." - Jack Handey
"Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I spin around and pin the guy's arm behind his back. NOW who's asking the questions?" - Jack Handey
"I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then when somebody comes up act like they just woke up and go, 'What was that?!' - Jack Handey
"Instead of having "answers" on a math test, they should just call them "impressions," and if you got a different "impression,"....so what, can't we all be brothers?" - Jack Handey
"Happiness is not a circus clown rolling around in a big tractor tire so that his arms and legs form 'spokes.' Happiness is when he stops." - Jack Handey
"If you go flying back through time, and you see somebody else flying forward into the future, it's probably best to avoid eye contact." - Jack Handey
"My favorite uncle was Uncle Caveman, we called him that because he lived in a cave and every once in a while he eat one of us, later on we found out he was a bear." - Jack Handey
"If you're ever on fire, I think it's best not to look in a mirror, because that will really get you in a panic." - Jack Handey
"If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one would you think liked dolphins the most? I'd say Flippy, wouldn't you? You'd be wrong, though. It's Hambone." - Jack Handey
"If when you die you get a choice between Pie Heaven and regular Heaven, choose Pie Heaven. It might be a trick but if not..Mmmboy." - Jack Handey
"Probably the worst thing about having King Kong go rampid in your town would be the huge, monster genitalia." - Jack Handey
"Next Thanksgiving, here is a fun trick to play: When the mashed potatoes and turkey are being served, take some of both. But hide your turkey under your mashed potatoes. When your family asks "Don't you want some turkey?," pull the turkey out from under the mashed potatoes and yell 'I tricked you!!'" - Jack Handey
"I bet if you were in some old west gang, and you were dragging a guy along the ground with your horse, It'd probably make you really mad to look back and see him reading a magazine." - Jack Handey
"If I lived back in the wild west days, instead of carrying a six-gun in my holster, I'd carry a soldering iron. That way, if some smart-aleck cowboy said something like "Hey, look. He's carrying a soldering iron!" and started laughing, and everybody else started laughing, I could just say, "That's right, it's a soldering iron. The soldering iron of justice." Then everybody would get real quiet and ashamed, because they had made fun of the soldering iron of justice, and I could probably hit them up for a free drink." - Jack Handey
"I bet when the neanderthal kids would make a snowman, someone would always end up saying, "Don't forget the thick, heavy brows." Then they would all get embarrassed because they remembered they had the big hunky brows too, and they'd get mad and eat the snowman." - Jack Handey
"Fear can sometimes be a useful emotion. For instance, let's say you're an astronaught on the moon and you fear that your partner has been turned into Dracula. The next time he goes out for the moon pieces, wham!, you just slam the door behind him and blast off. He might call you on the radio and say he's not Dracula, but you just say, 'Think again, bat man.'" - Jack Handey
"Too bad you can't buy a voodoo globe so that you could make the earth spin real fast and freak everybody out." - Jack Handey
"I wish I had a Kryptonite cross, because then you could keep both Dracula AND Superman away." - Jack Handey
"Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself: "Mankind". Basically, it's made up of two separate words - "mank" and "ind". What do these words mean ? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind." - Jack Handey
"The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face." - Jack Handey
"Ambition is like a frog sitting on a Venus Flytrap. The flytrap can bite and bite, but it won't bother the frog because it only has little tiny plant teeth. But some other stuff could happen and it could be like ambition." - Jack Handey
"If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadors came up to you and asked where the gold was, I don't think it would be a good idea to say, 'I swallowed it. So sue me.'" - Jack Handey
"To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other." - Jack Handey
"To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad." - Jack Handey
"If you ever teach a yodeling class, probably the hardest thing is to keep the students from just trying to yodel right off. You see, we build to that." - Jack Handey
"If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy."
"He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much he made a woman out of dirt and married her. But when he kissed her, she disintegrated. Later, at the funeral, when the preacher said, "Dust to dust," some people laughed, and the cowboy shot them. At his hanging, he told the others, 'I'll be waiting for you in heaven--with a gun.'" - Jack Handey
If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is 'God is crying.' And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is 'Probably because of something you did.'" - Jack Handey
"Contrary to what most people say, the most dangerous animal in the world is not the lion or the tiger or even the elephant. It's a shark riding on an elephant's back, just trampling and eating everything they see." - Jack Handey
"If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and you friends are all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were swimming." - Jack Handey
"The crows seemed to be calling his name, thought Caw." - Jack Handey
"I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex." - Jack Handey
"It's true that every time you hear a bell, an angel gets its wings. But what they don't tell you is that every time you hear a mouse trap snap, and Angel gets set on fire." - Jack Handey
"I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it."
"I remember that one fateful day when Coach took me aside. I knew what was coming. "You don't have to tell me," I said. "I'm off the team, aren't I?" "Well," said Coach, "you never were really ON the team. You made that uniform you're wearing out of rags and towels, and your helmet is a toy space helmet. You show up at practice and then either steal the ball and make us chase you to get it back, or you try to tackle people at inappropriate times." It was all true what he was saying. And yet, I thought something is brewing inside the head of this Coach. He sees something in me, some kind of raw talent that he can mold. But that's when I felt the handcuffs go on."
"If I ever opened a trampoline store, I don't think I'd call it Trampo-Land, because you might think it was a store for tramps, which is not the inpression we are trying to convey with our store. On the other hand, we would not prohibit tramps from browsing, or testing the trampolines, unless a tramp's gyrations seemed to be getting out of control." - Jack Handey
"I still recall old Mister Barnslow getting out every morning and nailing a fresh load of tadpoles to the old board of his. Then he'd spin it round and round, like a wheel of fortune, and no matter where it stopped he'd yell out, 'Tadpoles! Tadpoles is a winner!' We all thought he was crazy. But then we had some growing up to do." - Jack Handey
QUESTIONS TO ASK YOURSELF:
*Why, when a check bounces, does the bank charge you more money that they know you don't have?!
*Why is there a "Permanent Press" setting on irons? *Why do you have a pair of panties, but only one bra? (Sorry, that's bad, but I thought it really does make a point) *Why do the best things happen to the worst people? *Why do I have to pay the adult ticket price and yet I can't see the adult movie? *Why do you press the buttons on the remote harder when the batteries are dead? *Why do you always end up wanting to buy the product you see in an infomercial? *Why don't pyschics ever win the lottery? *Why do people say "Ewwh, this tastes awful. Here try some!"? *Why do people ask "Asl" when you already have it listed in your profile?" *What do they put in pink lemonade to make it pink and taste different, and yet still classify it as lemonade? *Would Jell-O be considered a solid or a liquid?
COUNTING PECANS (email)
On the outskirts of town there was a big old pecan tree by the cemetery
fence. One day two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by
the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. "One for you, one
for me, one for you, one for me," said one boy. Several were dropped and rolled down toward the fence.
Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he
passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate.
Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me." He just knew what it was. "Oh my," he shuddered, "it's Satan and
the Lord dividing the souls at the cemetery."
He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met
an old man with a cane hobbling along.
"Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard. Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls."
The man said, "Beat it, kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk."
When the boy insisted, though, the man hobbled to the cemetery.
Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me, one for you,
one for me."
The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' the truth. Let's
see if we can see the devil himself."
Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars
of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of Satan.
At last they heard, "One for you, one for me, and one last one for you.
That's all, now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done."
They say the old guy made it back to town five minutes before the boy. A funny chain-email I received (I edited the profanity, though) 10 Things that tick me off
> > > >
> > 1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time. I know where my watch is, buddy ... where the heck is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the bathroom is??
> > > >
> > 2. People in the supermarket check out line who wait until their entire bill is rung up before they begin writing their check.
> > Hello...is the store name going to change, or the date, or your signature before the clerk finishes?!
> > Get a clue!
> > > >
> > 3. People who are willing to get off their butt to search the entire room for the darn TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change it manually!
> > > >
> > 4. When people say..."Oh, you just want to have your cake and eat it too. "Screw that!!! What good is a piece of cake if you can't eat it? What should I do...eat someone else's piece of cake instead??
> > > >
> > 5. When people say..."It's always the last place you look." No Duh!!! Why the heck would you keep looking for it after you've already found it?? Do people do this?? Who and where are they??
> > > >
> > 6. When people say, while watching a movie ... "Did you see that?" No, stupid, I paid $7.50 to come to a theater and stare at the ceiling up there. What did you come here for?
> > > >
> > 7. People who ask, "Can I ask you a question?" Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya buddy?
> > > >
> > 8. When something is "New & Improved". Which is it? If it's new, there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement then there must have been something before it!
> > > >
> > 9. When a cop pulls you over and then asks if you know how fast you were going. "You should know, idiot. You're the one that pulled me over!
> > > >
> > > > Here's the 10th thing that REALLY bugs me....
> > > >
> > 10. Chain letters! Who the heck thinks that by annoying other people with stupid mail with no meaning, that they will grant you a wish, or make your long lost love fall into your arms. Yea right! I'm so sure that by breaking a stupid chain letter that the computer gods are going to curse me!! What a load of crap!!!
"What Guys Really Mean When...." (An email I received that I thought held some humorous truth)
**Keep this in mind next time he changes his font color**
Green - I love you!
Blue - I like you
Purple - I'm Sexy
Pink - I'm gay
Red - I'm feeling romantic
Yellow - I'm happy
Orange - I'm a psycho
Aqua - I'm sad
**What He Says...What he means**
He says: "I'll call you tomorrow!"
He means: "Be lucky If I ever call again!"
He says: "I just wanna be friends"
He means: "Thats the excuse I could think of not 2 go out with u"
He says: "Lets go back to my place"
He means: "Lets get it on!"
He says: "I like those pants!"
He means: "I wonder how fast I can get them off of u!"
He says: "You look a lot better this year!"
He means: "Last year you were a dog!"
He says: "Yea, you look cute, I guess"
He means: "You are butt ugly!"
He says: "I like your shirt a lot"
He means: "I like whats under more!"
**Keep this in mind next time when he kisses u**
-A kiss on the hand-Ur nice, but no.
-Lips-Ur hot
-A kiss on the cheek-I love you
-Anyhwere else-Um...maybe he loves u a lil 2 much
Kids say the darndest things! (Email)
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my five-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!"
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My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd
dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it in
the garbage. Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my
bathroom and came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and said with a charming little smile, "We better throw this one out too then, 'cause it fell in
the toilet a few days ago."
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On the first day of school, a first grader handed his teacher a note
from his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents."
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A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup to come out of the bottle.
During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her four-year old
daughter to answer the phone. "It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her mother. Then she added., "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."
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I love the outdoors, and because of my passion for hunting and fishing,
my family eats a considerable amount of wild game. So much, in fact, that
one evening as I set a platter of broiled venison steaks on the dinner
table, my ten-year-old daughter looked up and said, "Boy, it sure would be nice if pizzas lived in the woods."
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A mother was showing her son how to zip up his coat. "The secret," she
said, "is to get the left part of the zipper to fit in the other side before
you try to zip it up." The boy looked at her quizzically..."Why does it have
to be a secret?"
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When my daughter was three, we watched Snow White And The Seven Dwarfs for the first time. The wicked queen appeared, disguised as an old lady selling apples, and my daughter was spellbound. Then Snow White took a bite of the poisoned apple and fell to the ground unconscious. As the apple rolled away, my daughter spoke up. "See, Mom. She doesn't like the skin either."
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A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's
locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies
grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter-haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"
Tee Shirts Quotes (from an email)
- I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
- I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me.
- Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
- I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
- Don't take life too seriously. You won't get out alive.
- You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
- Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
- I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
- Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
- I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
- The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
- It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
- Your IQ test score is back and the results were negative.
- Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
- Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
- I must be a proctologist because I work with buttholes.
- Frankly, Scallop, I don't give a clam (seen on Cape Cod)
- That's it! I'm calling Nana! (seen on an 8 year old)
- Wrinkled was not one of the things I wanted to be when I grew up
- Procrastinate now
- Rehab is for quitters
- I have a degree in Liberal Arts. You want fries with that?
- Party - my crib - two A.M. (on a baby-size shirt)
- All men are idiots and I married their King.
- West Virginia: one million people, and 15 last names
- Failure is not an option. It comes bundled with the software.
- A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance
- Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere.
- They call it PMS because "Mad Cow Disease" was already taken
- He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead
- Time's fun when you're having flies... Kermit the Frog
- Police station toilet stolen... Cops have nothing to go on.
- Heck is where people go who don't believe in Gosh.
- A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up a thousand times the memory.
- Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
- HAM AND EGGS - A day's work for a chicken; a lifetime commitment for a pig.
- The trouble with life is there's no background music.
- If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?
- Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!
- Computer geeks don't byte, they nibble a bit.
- Mop and Glow - floor wax used by Three Mile Island cleanup team.
- NyQuil - The stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room spinning medicine.
- Quoting one is plagiarism; Quoting many is research.
- My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.
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