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SAVING THE RAINFOREST: Katie-Style
My whole crazy scheme all started with Model UN. We were proposing resolutions to save the rainforests. Only problem is there's a lack of funds. Representing Peru, I know perfectly well that there is a great number of drug-lords there. Thus, the formation of my insane plan. First of all, another girl had speculated that if we were to legalize the growth of hemp, we could make paper out of it and save trees. At first, I thought this would only help the drug-lords get richer, but now I propose that we allow the growth of hemp so that they DO get richer. That way, we can arrest them after they've grown the hemp, sold it, prevented further tree depletion AND made scores of money. We'd be killing two birds with one stone: eliminating the drug-lords and saving the rainforest. Perfect. It's all in a day's work...
ATLANTIS IN LAKE ERIE?
Call me crazy, but recently I speculated about the possibility of a sunken continent in our own Lake Erie. Don't ask me why, but I believe the idea came to me because of all the mysterious items that have washed ashore on Marge's beach. Some very odd artifacts make me wonder where they originated, and how they ended up on the beach. Sure, there's the normal trash and drift wood, but the mysterious debris is yet to be explained. I'm not saying Atlantis is in our lake, but possibly there is some secret dumping taking place in our lake, or there is some antidiluvian world out there... call me crazy, everyone else does, but anything is possible.
PIGEON McNUGGETS
I have very good reason to suspect that McDonald's holds back nutritional information from the consumers. Why, might you ask? Well, let's just recall the last time you purchased the so-called "chicken McNuggets" from your local McDonald's. When you bit into one, did you happen to notice that the meat was not white in all places, and not quite black in some others? This is due to the fact that it is not chicken in that fried morsel you are ingesting. It is in fact pigeon. Yes, pigeon. How do I know this? Well, have you noticed that ever since the introduction of the McNugget, pigeon populations in McDonald's parking lots have vanished? It is so simple that I cannot believe no one caught on to them much earlier. Personally, it's no surprise to me, for I already know about their use of circus animal carcasses in their "beef" patties.
**My Verdict: If you want nutrition without any obscured ingredients, drop that Big Mac and just eat the paper bag.
EVIL KOALAS
Warning: Koalas are meaner than they appear.
Koalas are conniving, vicious creatures. They appear cute and cuddly, but do not be deceived. They are actually filthy critters with only one thing on their mind: Destroying the human race. If you pick one up thinking it's adorable, it will rip your face off. Why do you think their claws are so big? It's also been suspected that koala gas has contributed to over 75% of the ozone layer depletion we've experienced. As you can see, koalas are evil, and if you ever see one, don't hesitate to run. Don't try to kill it, it can't die, and it will only hiss and become more angry.
>>There is a koala running lose. An evil, nuclear-mutation koala. He is in the ceiling. He is in that empty locker at the end of the row. You know, he's at your school too. And he just won't go away. When you hear strange noises when you're all alone, that's him. When you see something move in the corner of your eye, he's there. When you hear a door creak open when no one's there... he's there. He's everywhere. He likes to attack people, so watch out. He's only imaginary when you don't know he exists...
THE KOALA CONSPIRACY!!!! The Nuclear Pizza Files: I have classified information having to do with the Nuclear Pizza. See, nuclear pizza is best described as the frozen pizza that, when cooked, tastes like plastic-nuclear-oven fumes. It was an accident the company came upon when they messed up a batch of pizza and decided to market it anyways. If you have come in contact with some, be very careful. They have spies, hired to see if consumers notice the nuclear taste. Seta and I detected this, and ever since, we have been followed. They cannot silence me. I will expose their plot of pizza industry domination! Just say no to freakin' nuclear pizza! UFO: ANY CONNECTION WITH NUCLEAR PIZZA?
We have come to believe that we saw a U.F.O. hovering over the vineyards. It was huge with red and white lights on it in a weird pattern. It was high up, but not high enough to be a plane, and it made no sound. As soon as we spotted it, it seemed to sense we were looking at it and it sped away very quickly.
I have been thinking and I've come to realize that I know who was in the Unidentified Flying Object. The manufacturers of the NUCLEAR PIZZA have been following me and they are spying on me. They know that I know things. Nowhere is safe anymore. They can see everything. Up in the sky. They are trying to silence me, but they will not. I will be heard!
The Hobo-Janitor Olympics:
We have reason to believe that the Hobo-Janitors in this very school district hold their hold olympics and then also compete in nationals.First we must begin with the background. Hobo-Janitors tend to live in clusters behind the school of their employment. Well, sometimes they have spare time, so they hold games. There are such ones as the;
vacuum-pulled wheeled garbage can relay,
trashketball,
pop can throwing,
javelin(mop),
T.P. ball (football wih toilet paper),
the obstacle course
gator derby (like horse riding with their gator mobiles)
capture the rag
roller derby (with wheeled buckets on their feet)
and many other exciting events. These primimtive creatures hold the olympics during the summer break, so as to not draw attention to themselves.
THE BOOK KNOWS ALL
Madam Marm and I have come across some strange things in our time, but none as peculiar as the all-knowing BOOK. See, this particular book has the power within to give an answer to any question you might ask. Simply ask the question then open to a page and without looking, point. Wherever your finger is pointed to on the page is your answer, within a few lines.
Freakin' Ghetto Clarion U.
From experience I know that Clarion University is "freakin Ghetto" in the words of a famous speaker, Big Sarah. Why it is so ghetto, we do not know. But let us tell you that there are things stuck to the ceiling that are still unidentified. However some strange creatures carved inscriptions into the cheaply made desks. We were never able to interpret all of them, but we did work out the majority of them. From what we know, basically the nuclear lights in the hallways use up so much electricity to operate that the college cannot afford much else for it's facilities. No, they cannot even come up with enough money to buy properly functioning curtains or non-creaking beds
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Disgruntled Janitors Unite
Over the past few weeks, we've come to notice that there is some secret-underground union of the janitorial staff and lunch ladies. They are fed up with us bratty kids and they mean business now. When you take your tray up at lunch, be wary of that seemingly-innocent dishwasher... she will grab you and pull you in there and then strangle you, if you get too close.Also avoid the trash can in the senior hallway, because there is a janitor hiding in there, just waiting for someone to throw away their gum....
Santa VS. Satan
The strangely coincidental similarities between Santa and Satan were brought to my attention by Mr. Sarver. First of all you must remember the saying "The love of money is the root of all evil." Well, quite some time ago, miners were mining for some valuable substance, but their problem was that it was covered in another substance that they called "Old Nick," (Old Nick was another name for Satan). As you all know, Santa Clause is also called "Old Nick." If you'll notice the similarities of their names, you'll see that if you move the 'n' in Santa to the end, you end up with Satan. SCARY. Furthermore, Christmas is the biggest sales time for any store or company... Santa has a big role in that. It all makes perfect sense. SANTA= MONEY= EVIL=SATAN. It's a perpetual circle. That really puts a damper on your Yuletide spirit.
Explosion of Thought
(Moscow) -- Doctors are blaming a rare electrical imbalance in the brain for the bizarre death of a chess player whose head literally exploded in the middle of a championship game. No one else was hurt in the fatal explosion, but four players and three officials at the Moscow Candidate Masters' Chess Championships were sprayed with blood and brain matter when Nikolai Titov's head suddenly blew apart. Experts say he suffered from a condition called Hyper-Cerebral Electrosis, or HCE.
"He was deep in concentration with his eyes focused on the board," said Titov's opponent, Vladimir Dobrynin. "Suddenly his hands flew to his temples and he screamed in pain. Then, as if someone had put a bomb in his cranium, his head popped like a firecracker."
Incredibly, Titiov's is not the first case in which a person's head has spontaneously exploded. Five people are known to have died of HCE in the last 25 years. The most recent death occurred in 1991, when European psychic Barbara Nicole's skull burst. Miss Nicole's story was reported by newspapers worldwide.
"HCE is an extremely rare physical imbalance," said Dr. Anatoly Martinenko, famed neurologist and expert on the human brain, who performed the autopsy on the brilliant chess expert. "It is a condition in which the circuits of the brain become overloaded by the body's own electricity. The explosions happen during periods of intense mental activity when current is surging through the brain. Victims are intelligent people with great powers of concentration. Both Ms. Nicole and Mr. Titov were intense people who tended to keep their cerebral circuits overloaded. They were literally too smart for their own good."
Although Dr. Martinenko says there are probably many undiagnosed cases, he hastens to add that very few people will die from HCE. "Most people who have the condition never realize it. Medical science still doesn't know much about HCE, and since fatalities are so rare, it will be years before research money becomes available." In the meantime, the doctor urges people to take it easy and not think too hard for long periods of time.
How to Tell if Your Head's About To Explode
Although HCE is very rare, it can kill. Dr. Martinenko says that being aware of the condition can greatly improve your odds of surviving it. A yes answer to any three of the following seven questions could mean that you have HCE:
- Does your head sometimes ache when you think too hard? Head pain can indicate overloaded brain circuits.
- Do you ever hear a faint ringing or humming sound in your ears? It could be the sound of electrical activity in the skull cavity.
- Do you sometimes find yourself unable to get a thought out of your head? This is a sign of too much electrical activity in the cerebral cortex.
- Do you spend more than five hours a day reading, balancing your checkbook, or other thoughtful activity? A common symptom of HCE is a tendency to over-use the brain.
- When you get angry or frustrated, do you feel pressure in your temples? Friends of people who died of HCE say the victims often complained of head pressure in times of strong emotion.
- Do you overeat ice cream, doughnuts and other sweets? A craving for sugar is typical of people with too much electrical pressure in the cranium.
- Do you tend to analyze yourself too much? HCE sufferers are often introspective, over-reflective of their lives.
Substitute: Teacher or Movie Star?
Recently, we encountered a young substitute teacher in science class that bore an uncanny resemblance to Jimmy (Bubble Boy) in the movie "Bubble Boy." Even stranger, his voice sounded identical to Bubble Boy's. We said if he spiked his hair, he'd look identical to Bubble Boy, and he told us that he actually just had his haircut not too long ago. Could he be Bubble Boy, or perhaps an extra? Maybe he has a long lost twin that is now famous...
Fill-In Teacher: Doctor or Phony?
I have many reports that a temporary fill-in teacher was a hoax, or more likely, just a loser. Claiming to be a doctor seemed to be a desperate attempt of his to look better. In my opinion, lying makes him look more pathetic. But if he had been trying to impress us, he shouldn't have told us about how much in debt he is, and how he used to not have any furniture.
I've heard that he worked at a local Hoss's steakhouse. Now if he really were a doctor, he'd have no trouble finding a steady, high-paying job, and would not be working for minimum wage. He also worked as a mailman during the holidays, and told us about how he was chased by a dog and tripped on the ice. It'd be even sadder if he really is a doctor and he works at a restaraunt and as a mailman. Just think of what it must be doing to his esteem. How degrading.
I've also heard some say they think he just stayed in college for so long that the college finally had to give him a doctorate. But he also seems to be in denial of his true identity, for he claims he just hasn't found his "destiny" yet. He was also suspected of being a sexual predator, because he always found a way to touch your shoulder or hand... many people simply teased him simply for his ugly comb-over, his weird lip, his "crustache", his pastel shirts, or his "ghetto booty".
I personally feel more sorry for him than anything else, because I think he felt he had to make up the doctor part to impress a bunch of high- schoolers. Because after all, when referring to him, our real history teacher always refers to him as MR. and not DR. Someone heard that our principal was reluctant to hire him, but he was the best one out of very few.
Whatever the REAL story is behind this odd man, I'm sure there are things we'll never know, and things we'd never want to know...
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